Sad sad erin today. I was about to write "i just realized" but that would be a lie. Ive known for a long time. I am incredibaly underappreciated at work. And i dont mean just how much im paid.

Take today for instance. Caitlyn called out, so its just me and 2 dr's for 9 hours. 2 surgerys. and about 100 people who just have to be seen this very moment or the world is going to end. A very busy day. And ive had a very busy week. Had to go in on me "day off" to work 6 hours. (but somehow im suppose to be grateful that i got out early...working 6 hours of an 8 hour day? that constitutes early how?) Im tired, cranky, hungry because at 3pm when i finally got to cram some of the subway adam brought to me into my mouth i got called into a room and had to throw half of it away.

And i still get attitude. i ask something, and they look at me as if im 3 years old and not worth thier attention. and all the "thank you sooo much for today erin" and "i dont know what we would do without you" at the end of the day really doesnt make up for how theyve made me feel during the day.

There was an interview today, with a girl who graduated from mount ida. I happend to glance at the piece of paper he jotted notes down on, and it said she was going to be making $16/hr. thats almost $3 more than i get. Yes, i understand she has that all hallowed BA that makes all the difference in this world, apparently. but shes going to be doing the same stuff that i do. and ive been there for so long...

it doesnt matter. none of it matters. i could give up everything, sleep there in a kennel so i could be at their every beck and call, and it still wouldnt matter. i would still be nothing to them. and its not the money, its not.

he says "your like family to me" bullshit. pure and utter.

but whats so sad, whats so pathetic, is it matters to me. and i dont know why. Why do i care about these people who obviously could give 2shits about me? i dont know.

i think thats my lot in life, though. Always the one to be stepped on, walked over.

maybe i should just embrace it.

Hrmm...whats been happening...

Do you know whats harder than drawing a blood sample from the cephalic vein of a viciouse, very alert cat? .....not much. *sigh* i wish everyone was under anesthesia sometimes.

Wedding plans are coming along...slowly. Im still afraid we're not going to have enough money...but its kinda too late for that,huh? Im also trying to lose weight..but thats not happening either. mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

We have this bird that boards all the time at work. He use to be my little buddy, always chirping away at me, trying to throw up. But now, since i had to catch him and restrain him numerous times for bloodwork (its VERY difficult to get enough blood to send out from a cokatiel...at least for us, anyway)he trys to attack me everytime i walk by his cage. Makes me feel very rejected. :-(

I was pleasently nudged by a certain pancake to post, so here i am :-)

its 6 o'clock in the morning,and i am wide awake. Not sure why. i did have a nightmare of someone dying....but it shouldnt have bothered me as much as it did seeing as i barely speak to this person. but i guess death is always disturbing...and dreams about it are never fun.

it was strange though, cause the person came back as a ghost in my dream, asking me to bring him back to life. I said i couldnt, that all the drugs he had taken didnt allow me to bring him back...which i guess means in my dreamworld, if your clean, dont fear death, erin will bring ya back,lol. I do miss him though...

Its sooo dark out. i didnt realize how dark it is in the morning now. maybe i should go back to bed. meh...that cats are happy to see me.

I have to finish my christmas shopping today. Not sure that i have the money to do that..but whatever. id go now,but adams sound asleep, and thats just mean.

you, old man who pulled out in front of me today while we were about 2 and a half seconds from collison....

you, rich lady who decides after $35 worth of grooming i did for your dog, you changed your mind and didnt want to pay for it

you, porn star i found on my computer today..put there by a ghost, apparently

you, stupid walmart lady who gave away the last Wii 2 seconds before i got to the counter,..and then letting my know exactly how close i was

you, poofy little poodle thing, for being cute...now i want one

you, internet for being so damn slow

you, second porn site i found on my computer today. who did it? absolutly no one..just appeared out of nooowhherree...ooo magical

you, vacuum bags for being so hard to find

you, cd changer thats broken already

and finally, me. cause somethings gotta put me in a better mood.

:-P

happy feet is just THE most adorable movie ive ever seen. i luvs it..and i want me a baby penguin :-P



on a complelty different topic.....girls suck. now, not every girl, and certainly not any girl i consider myself friends with...but as a majority..you gotta admit it..some of the things we are know for..well,they kinda suck.

like the way we jump to conclusions. i understand the instinct to protect whats "yours", but just because your significant other's friend from back in the day says "hi how are ya" does not mean they want to jump there bones.

at least, it is CERTAINLY not what i mean. I am in a wonderfully stable and committed relationship..i do not desire nor need the drama of some jealous chick telling me to "stay away"


and, guys, sorry to burst your bubble, but you kinda suck to. i hate to repeat myself, but it is needed: Saying hi and wondering how your doing does NOT mean i want to jump you. CERTAINLY not when I say it. So dont let your girl think thats whats going on.


jackass

Thanksgiving: spent with adams family-they had steak instead of turkey..whatever, it was fine. came home, had a piece of pie with my family. Then 11oclock pm rolled around...and so did allthe food i had eaten. yea..every 15 minutes..in the bathroom...out of the bathroom....in the bathroom...out of the bathroom. at one point i was lying on the hallway floor so i could:1. stop the uncontrallable shaking, and 2. not wake up adam in my room or kevin who was in the living room. and can i just say, that i havent thrown up since like...highschool. and i was really proud of that. God damn it i hate throwing up.

Friday: called out sick to work. can you believe it??? they couldnt.

Saturday: found out that i got a "sick day" hmm..?? what is this magical creation called a "sick day"? its when they pay you..while your home...being sick! ingeniouse!! in 7 years i have never seen one, yet apparently yesturday warented one to them...and, they gave me a raise. niiiiiice

blabbity blabbity blahhhhh

ok, so a few weeks ago, i woke up screaming about a black swirly mass on the ceiling, and adam had to quiet me down before i had a hearattack. the thing is though, i actually saw it...but i was so befuddled it could have very well just been a dream. didnt feel like one though.

and my sister, she was in the bathroom..., and all of a sudden the lid to the little trash can thingy starts spinning around for no reason at all.

odd.

I wonder if there is some spirit here thats pissed.

or maybe just trying to say hi.

or maybe i should just stop watching Ghost hunters before i go to sleep.

My dreams are out to get me.

i try and try to put things behind me, but the second i fall asleep, the second my defenses are let down, its as if time has not moved. i am back in the same situations, my thoughts, feelings, actions are exactly the same.

not sure what to do about that, exactly.

is everyone else hearing that hinder song everywhere?

or is it stalking me?

hmm..

theres this kid i grew up with. like forrest gump &jenny, we was like peas and carrots, lol. one day we just stopped talking.. and havent talked since. that was probably...9 years ago... and i never felt like i lost something, i never wanted to start being friends with him again. we just grew apart.. it just was how it was and that was that.

I dont know why i write about it now..except that ive been thinking about other people that ive been close with..people that for one reason or another i dont think ill ever talk to again. some i dont really mind..im happy they have found happiness and fulfillment wherever they are, even if it doest include me. and then others...its like a fresh cut every time i think about it.. i have to take a sharp breath and will the ache to go away.

maybe its because it wasnt my choice to have this distance. it wasnt a decision to go seperate ways. it was forced on me by people and events i had no control over.

eh..oh well. it is how it is and theres still not much i can do about it. i just wish i knew that they were aware of how often there thought of, that i still care about them and wish them well wherever they are.